A taste of hell

You know those moments in life where you feel as though heaven has broken into your life and you’ve felt a bit of God’s glory? Well, I experienced the opposite this week. I feel as though hell broke into my life and took over for a couple of days.

I’m finally feeling semi-normal today for the first time since being in the hospital early Tuesday morning. I’ve been able to actually put some thoughts together today, and thought it would be a good idea to find out what medication they gave me in the ER. It was basically the instant they shot that medication into my IV that the intense anxiety began.

Background: In case you haven’t picked up from my other blog posts, I have high anxiety already. I also have depression. I’ve been on Zoloft for about 4 years now, and it has REALLY helped control those areas of my life. But Zoloft isn’t a “magic pill”, and sometimes circumstances in my life will cause me to get anxious, or depressed. I do my best to live my life submitted to Jesus, and I feel as though Zoloft is the right decision for me. Until God decides to heal me, or until the day I get to heaven and have my fully restored body, I have to do the best I can with what I've got.

What they gave me in the ER was a combination of Benadryl and Compazine. My pain level was about a 9 when I got to the hospital, with the migraine lasting close to 24 hours. I didn't ask any questions, I just wanted the pain to go away. I would have auctioned off my left arm for someone to make the pain stop. They put the meds into my IV, and I instantly felt jittery, panicky, anxious, like the room was closing in on me and I HAD to get out of there. I was trying to hold it together and just relax. I was SUPER worried about Jon because it was so cold in there and he only had on a t-shirt, shorts and sandals. I couldn't get out of my mind how cold he must be and I was so upset and worried about that. (I know...stupid...he would have sat on an iceberg in Antarctica with me if he had to and not complain once about it.) It got to the point where I couldn't stand being there even one more second. I hit the call button and made the nurse send the doctor in. I had already had a cat-scan at that point, and he also wanted to do some sort of spinal fluid test. (Super fun!) I told him I HAD to leave, and I didn't want the test done. I finally convinced him to discharge me, yet it took the nurse another 45 minutes to come take out my IV. I can't even tell you how CLOSE I was to just doing it myself, but I was afraid blood would squirt everywhere. (And by the way, I was there for OVER 4 hours.)

The next 2 days were filled with anxiety. My sleep was completely restless and I was having crazy dreams. I was panicky about everything and nothing. It's really hard to describe if you've never had problems with anxiety before. But I imagine that's what hell is going to be like. Just one anxiety attack after another. And, according to my blogger buddy Tam, folding fitted sheets. I'm just very thankful I will be welcomed into heaven by Someone I know and love very much, Jesus. And have no more anxiety!!!

As I've done some research online, what happened to me is a very typical response to those medications combined. Benadryl is obviously well know for allergies, and Compazine is used for nausea and vomiting. The two combined are proven to stop the pain of migraines, which it did for me. But to be honest, I would have rather dealt with the pain of a migraine than that horrific anxiety! What I don't understand is that they KNEW I was on Zoloft...which pretty much means you have depression and/or ANXIETY. If a common side affect of these combined drugs is SEVERE ANXIETY, don't you think they should have chosen something else to give me?!!??! Or maybe just WARN me that it might cause anxiety so I could at least KNOW, rather than be even MORE ANXIOUS about what the heck is happening to me?!?!! Uggghhhh!!!!

Ok, thanks for letting me vent that out. I just think its ridiculous that I've spent the last 3 days suffering when it could have been prevented, or I could have AT LEAST been warned. I woke up this morning feeling like I could have easily slipped into a day of depression if I had given into it. I just got out of my 1st trimester, where as you know, I was extremely sick. Then had a couple weeks of several migraines, then the anxiety. That'll make anyone depressed! So I forced myself to go out for a walk at 7:30 this morning with Mylo. It helped start my day off right by not sitting in my dark house. (I have all the shades closed because the light can sometimes trigger a migraine.) Then I went to my sister's house just to have something to do. So I'm not depressed, the anxiety has pretty much subsided, and I'm hoping for a nice, relaxing, HEALTHY weekend!

*Added later* Warning for you if you have migraines! (Or anyone for that matter!)
Check out this website about people's experiences with having Compazine or Benadryl/Compazine given to them. It's SHOCKING what people have to say! Most say they thought they were going crazy, this was horrific, this drug should be banned, people should be WARNED about its side-effects, most horrifying experience of their life. Some people said they hallucinated, ripped out their IV, jumped out the hospital window, considered committing suicide, etc! HOLY COW!!!!! Thanks, St. Ann's Hospital! I really appreciate you giving me this drug!