Vulnerability and Shame

Tonight I have a heavy heart and a full mind.  I feel as though I have thousands of puzzle pieces of information, situations, and experiences floating around in my heart and mind.  I know there's something big on the horizon...some massive lesson that I will look back on as an "AHA" moment of some sort. I'm not quite sure how to piece everything together and make it into a clear picture that makes sense.  So for now I guess I'm just soaking it all in and waiting for the pieces to lay themselves out and come together.  Create a pattern.  Show me a picture.  I don't really know.

There are a few resources I'd like to share with you, since they are speaking deeply to me.  Maybe they will speak deeply to you too.  But I don't know.

First, I feel I need to flash you.  (not THAT kinda flash, sillies.)  I want to give you just a glimpse into my life as I've known it for the past several months.  This is just a glimpse.  If I were to write it all out it'd be a book, I'm sure of it.

I have struggled with various mental health issues for just about as long as I can remember.  Mainly depression and anxiety.  They have varied in severity over the years.  They were pretty severe in the recent past.  It led to me making very poor choices - attempting to control and numb things my own way.  I felt I was losing my grip on the reigns, so I reached out for help.  Professional help.  Opportunities for wonderful care fell into my lap as if God reached into his pocket and handed them right to me, with an extra dose of "I'll take care of all the pragmatics and finances thankyouverymuch."  I did not hesitate to grab onto those opportunities, and I am quite thankful I did.  I am continuing to get professional help and will do so indefinitely.  I do not take my mental health lightly.  I am worth it.  My husband is worth it.  My kids are worth it.

So again, I have a heavy heart and a full mind.  My mind has been stuffed with knowledge from all the counselors and resources I've recently been exposed to.  And I know it's all going to come together and make sense.  Soon.

And then tragedy strikes.  There is no wrapping your mind about the school shootings that took place just two days ago.  Precious, innocent lives lost for absolutely no reason.  I don't even know what to think.  Or feel.  Or say.  But there are two things I am heavily weighing because of this.

1.  Jesus is our only hope.  NOTHING in this life is secure.  We have an enemy, the devil, that prowls around earth looking for people he can devour.  And there is nothing or no one we can put our complete trust into except for Jesus.  The thought of losing a child in any way, let alone in such a grievous way is unfathomable.  But it can happen.  And so I put my hope in Jesus who promises us life everlasting with Him.  Anything here on earth can be stripped from me.  This life is but a breath.  And I have hope of eternity in heaven because I trust in Jesus.

2.  After reading this article, and going through my own personal experiences, I am convinced that this nation is failing greatly in the area of mental health.  There is an incredible stigma on mental illness, and there aren't many options for treatment.  Many are sent to jail, where there is simply no rehabilitation.  I could go on and on, but again, I'm not here to write a book. I agree wholeheartedly with the author when she says, "In the wake of another horrific national tragedy, it’s easy to talk about guns. But it’s time to talk about mental illness."

So that whole situation is weighing heavily on my heart, as it is everyone's.  Then there's two TED talks I recently listened to that have filled my mind with new perspectives on vulnerability and shame.  Two subjects that are incredibly prevalent to those suffering from mental illness, addictions, etc.  (*ahem* , me.)  I think these videos are profound, and have me REALLY thinking and plotting how to apply these concepts to my life.  I value vulnerability greatly.  I often joke that if I haven't seen you cry you're not REALLY my friend.  That I don't trust anyone without a limp.  So these TED talks strike a cord with me, and are broadening my paradigms. I like it.




(Blogger won't let me embed two videos in one post, so I'll put the second video in a separate blog post that will be just below this one.)

 I love what she has to say about numbing our vulnerability.  (Um...DING, DING, DING!)  But that it's impossible to selectively numb the bad feelings...when we numb hard feelings we simultaneously numb joy, gratitude, happiness, etc. And then, we are miserable and looking for purpose and meaning.  So we numb THAT too, and it becomes this dangerous cycle.  So, so true.  You'll see that little blip if you watch from 15:00 to 17:00.

I also love this quote from that talk, "Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity, and change."

 “Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage.”

So yeah, my heart is heavy and my mind is full.  I need to get this mom brain in gear so I can sort some of this sh*t out!