Sharing my heart. Part 2

Since this is part 2, you should definitely read my first post on this subject if you haven't yet. Here's a quick link to go read it:

Sharing my heart


Picking up where I left off...

As my pregnancy progressed and continued to get more and more difficult, I knew my time on worship team before baby #3 came was quickly coming to an end. Which was hard for me to accept, because of the unknown outcome of when I would ever be back on a team.

(Sidenote: my fear has never been that there won't be a "place" for me on a team. If and when God has me to go back, there will surely be room. The obstacle for me is when will this work for my family for me to serve through worship again?)


Since getting pregnant, it got increasingly stressful for Jon to be in charge of the boys while I was at church for 10 or so hours on my weekends to serve. He was doing a lot more around the house, plus his normal work schedule, with no downtime on the weekends I was on for worship. It was becoming a burden for him, and we were NOT seeing eye to eye about it all! He started telling me I should consider giving it up, and I told him it was MY time to get out, serve the Lord, interact with adults...and without having that I would feel as though I was withering up. It was my personal opinion that it was no big deal for him to be in charge of the kids for a mere 10 hours...I do it 24/7! (NOT the right attitude by the way, lol!)


Knowing the end of my pregnancy would be the worst, I set my last weekend for worship for April 30/May 1. And I basically had a death grip on worship leading until then. And even after that I was mourning the fact that it was over for who knows how long. I knew my husband would not let me go back when I wanted to so he wouldn't have to be in charge of now three kids while I was gone. (WRONG attitude again, by the way!)


I was starting to get bitter. Isn't it my RIGHT to serve God the way He's gifted me? My heart is to worship Him and lead others to do the same. Doesn't Jon know how much it means to the church to have me up there??


WHOA.


What did I just say?


Really now Kate.


Yes, if I'm gonna be perfectly honest I THOUGHT that. Like the needs of my husband and family were now holding me back and doing a disservice to the church by me not being up there. (Uhhh...DEFINITELY not the right attitude. Big time.)


Time for a big fat attitude adjustment and paradigm shift on my part. And this leads me to the season I am embarking on now. I am at the very beginning of this new journey, and I have some ideas of what the Lord wants to do. I have some expectations of what I WANT him to do. But I know better than to "limit" God in such ways because He SO blows the lid off the box when we allow Him to have His way with us.


My first response to this new realization that there are some things in my heart that need a good cleansing is this...repentance. Would YOU want to follow a leader who's attitude is "I deserve to be doing this, it's my right, and my family just needs to suck it up and support me in doing so."? Yeah, me neither.


Secondly, all the bitterness and angst and doubt and disbelief is to be laid down at the foot of the cross. I am taking it all and handing it to the Lord, and exchanging them for whatever He has for me.


And now I am in a new place. I have laid down my dream for now, because the Lord has asked me to. And what I'm stepping into now has GREAT purpose. The Lord is about to do some major work in me.


I have lots more to share....but not tonight. Stay tuned.

Sharing my Heart, Part 3